There is a particular kind of internet rage-bait that arrives fully formed, and tells you that something you have been saying your entire life is actually a tool of the patriarchy.
This week, apparently, it is “good girl.”
I saw multiple women say that calling a woman a “good girl” is inherently misogynistic because it rewards compliance. A good girl, in this definition, is a people pleaser. She is obedient. She wants to be liked. She waits for approval. She does what she is told.
And listen, I understand the argument!
There is obviously a version of “good girl” that means exactly that. The praise for being agreeable, useful, accommodating, and easy to deal with. The woman who says “no worries!” when there are, in fact, several worries. Ugh.
But I don't think that is the only meaning of “good girl.”
In fact, I think the internet has become weirdly obsessed with pretending that words have one fixed meaning, divorced entirely from the person saying them, the person hearing them, and, most importantly, the context in which they are said.
Because sometimes “good girl” means: thank you for doing that.
Sometimes it means: you are funny and I am flirting with you.
Sometimes it means: I see you.
Sometimes it means: I know that mattered to you.
Sometimes it means: you did something that made me happy, and I want you to know that I noticed.
And sometimes, more simply, it means: I am giving you something you wanted from me.
That last part matters.
Because we don't only communicate information with other people. We meet needs.
We seek reassurance. Affection. Recognition. Approval. Encouragement. Intimacy. Attention. A sense that we have pleased someone we care about. A sense that we are wanted, understood, or appreciated.
And I think we can all agree that none of that means there is anything wrong with you.
And having another person fulfil one of those needs doesn't automatically make the relationship unequal.
If I want to feel desired, and someone flirts with me, they are meeting a need.
If I want reassurance, and someone tells me they are proud of me, they are meeting a need.
If I want affection, and someone calls me sweetheart, darling, beautiful, or good girl, they may be meeting a need.
That doesn't mean I have surrendered my autonomy to them.
It means I am a human being in a relationship with another human being.
We are constantly doing things for one another.
We listen. We reassure. We comfort. We make each other laugh. We cook for each other. We tell each other we look beautiful. We say “I'm proud of you.” We say “good job.” We say “come here.”
We fulfil needs for one another all the time.
The important question isn't whether someone is fulfilling a need.
The question is what the need is, whether it is freely expressed, and whether the person fulfilling it has been given that role voluntarily.
There is a world of difference between “I like being called good girl because it makes me feel seen and desired by this person” and “I have to behave like a good girl because otherwise I won't receive love, approval, or acceptance.”
The words might be identical, but the relationship isn't.
That distinction gets lost remarkably quickly online.
“Good girl” can absolutely be used to diminish a woman. But that doesn't make the phrase itself inherently diminishing. The same way calling someone a “bad girl” isn't necessarily liberation, and calling someone a “boss” isn't necessarily empowerment. We are putting an awful lot of pressure on two little words to carry the entire history of gender politics.
I don't think every woman who likes being called “good girl” is secretly yearning to please the patriarchy. I don't think enjoying praise makes you a people pleaser. I don't think liking a little approval, affection, flirtation, or even submission automatically means you have failed feminism.
Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment.
Sometimes it is hot.
Sometimes it is annoying.
Sometimes it makes you feel twelve years old and you want to leave the room.
Sometimes it touches a need you didn't even realise you had.
And sometimes the appeal isn't really in the word at all. It's in who is saying it.
Because being called “good girl” by a stranger might mean absolutely nothing to me. Being called it by someone whose affection I value might mean something entirely different.
The word becomes meaningful because of the relationship around it.
Maybe what I want isn't obedience.
Maybe what I want is to feel that someone noticed me.
Maybe I want to feel that I have pleased someone I desire.
Maybe I want reassurance that I'm doing well.
Maybe I want to be cared for.
Maybe I want to hand someone else the responsibility of making me feel wanted for five minutes.
Maybe I simply like the particular feeling that comes from being praised in that particular way.
Those are needs, too. And there is nothing particularly feminist about pretending we don't have them.
The fact that someone else can fulfil a need for you does not automatically make you powerless. Sometimes it means you trusted them enough to let them.
The strange thing about contemporary discourse is that we seem increasingly interested in determining what people should feel about language rather than asking what they actually feel.
mon chéries. ✷
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