About surrender, structure, decision fatigue, softness, trust, etc.

Hello mon chéries,

Recently I've been wondering if people misunderstand surrender because they imagine it as weakness instead of relief.

Being told what to do (sometimes) feels good for the same reason sliding into hot bathwater feels good. Your body stops bracing against itself.

For most people, life is just a long series of tiny decisions.

What to wear.
What to eat.
Whether “sounds good” sounded rude.
What toothpaste brand to buy.
Whether that text sounded weird.
Whether I should cancel the gym.
Am I'm overreacting?
Am I'm underreacting?
Should I bring a jacket?
Hair up or down?
Picking a phone case.
Do I need coffee?
Have I had too much coffee?

Modern life requires a horrifying amount of self-management. You are expected to optimise, organise, communicate, perform, decide, decide, decide, decide, decide, decide...

And then suddenly someone says:

“Sit here.”
“Come closer.”
“Good girl.”
“Hands behind your back.” ...hot... 

Suddenly, your brain goes quiet for the first time all day! Somebody else is holding the structure for a moment. That’s the part people miss when they talk about dominance or submission (as if it’s only about control) but a lot of the time, it’s actually about care and someone letting you be soft for a moment. 

Isn't that so relaxing? Being told what to do so you can stop having to decide everything, or stop having to monitor your own emotions and reactions. A moment's respite from having to hold the pieces of your life together so perfectly.

Somebody else takes the lead a little, and suddenly your brain unclenches. 

When you spend all day being the person in charge of yourself or other people, being able to soften around somebody else can also feel overwhelming and emotional. Not because you feel helpless, but because it's honestly just so nice to rest. And softness itself feels so hard to reach lately. 

To me, softness feels so far away until someone facilitates it for me, and I need someone I trust to let myself be guided, so walls come down and I just feel super safe and held. 

And I think that’s what people are actually looking for when they talk about surrender - the feeling of being safe enough to finally exhale.

Are we all starting to realise our fantasy isn't about luxury or being spoiled, but has changed to just wanting someone looking at us after a long day and saying: “Enough now. Come here, you can rest.” (back rubs are also a part of this fantasy). 

Journal Exercise: MAKE A LIST

A lot of us move through life on autopilot without ever really noticing our own patterns. We just keep tolerating dynamics that exhaust us and craving things we feel slightly embarrassed to admit we want. So, make a fucking list! What energy you crave vs. what energy drains you. 

To be clear: 

It's not:
“Pilates.”
“Matcha.”
“Clean girl aesthetic.”

But more:
✷ They carry my lip gloss when we go out
✷ Being handed a drink without asking
✷ Collecting tiny objects that make me feel things
✷ Structure disguised as flirting (a personal fav)

And that's your homework. Go make a deeply revealing little list about your emotional needs. Extra credit if this turns into a conversation with your person/s.

I bet you realise you don’t actually want to be “dominated” and instead just want somebody to tell you to sit down and drink water.

But, being dom'd is hot too. 

Anyway, go be adored irresponsibly, mon chéries. ✷